I aint no RAT!!!

So here goes the blabber again…this time inspired by the recent placement season in college and certain bitter realities of the ways of the “elite management institute” of the country, hosting the crème della crème of the best brains !! Superlatives and the impact they have… I am back.

The placements went decently in college , and we saw the trends , the requirements , the preferences and the ups and downs which every newspaper must have talked about . Yes, the much sought after “crore” package might have been given . Frankly , didn’t interest me who got it and how much so I m not mentioning it here!!

But what was even more interesting was the changing trends. It seemed that the bankers wanted to be consultants because of the fear in the arena ! Even the so called “studs” were ready to compromise!! What followed this event was the choice of courses in the next term! Inconsistency , struggle for recognition and compromise seems to be the trademark of the place. Well , honestly , I am no different than the crowd and neither do I want certificates from any body here!

But there is no use of this struggle as long as it is directed externally. I have changed my path , and I will no longer entertain this uncalled for change !! I know I say a lot of things. And not all of them I follow. May be a mistake in self analysis. Infact that is the toughest thing to do . To accept one’s shortcoming and fallacies ! Actions depend on situations! Even for me , sometimes 2+2 is a 5 and not 4 ..(that’s an over rating I give to places and people) ..

What is the power of self , if it changes in situations?? That ‘s flabbergasting , yes that is stupefying....But that is the most common occurrence here!! Infact , statistically I would rate a 10/10 to these aberrations. And I aint no party to this anymore!! So I need a break from this rat race ..( dunno if I was ever good enough to be a part of it ..)

But yes , it is good fun watching it from the other side.

What lies ahead from here, well , I really don’t know!

I have dreams which I want to realize ,they are like the flowers which will blossom in spring!!

So if this is the autumn , then I am all geared up for the breeze with my canvas of future and my own colors..and the battle goes on ! But in this race , the winner wont be a rat!!

“My share of the world is my life and I am not negotiating on that.”

You’ll never Walk Alone

Yet another day when I’m in those moods, introspecting so here goes the blabber, for I have this place to pour it out. May be as one of my friends rightly put it, these emotions within make better stories. After all misery sells better than happiness… Not that I am not happy in life and in a miserable state..(I leave this question for the time being) But never had I thought before entering through the portals of this “weird jungle” that I shall be reduced to a mere spectator, observing people chase their dreams, fight for survival, thinking when will I see the sunshine , the light that will lead me to the path I want to tread on.

Just bumped into the thought of whether life is a dumb trick!! Either you find yourself hankering for something you so badly wanted to own, or you end up bemoaning what you are in. Thinking you could have probably turned the world around had you got one more chance. But the bitter truth is, it wouldn’t have made any difference either. The optimist in me (who currently is on a sabbatical I guess) says whatever happens is for our good and keeps me going.

But there are times when the kid inside rebels, for reason and objectivity. But then the world doesn’t run on reason all the time! The grey areas just seem to cloud it all.

Recently I have been made a mentor to some students who are “MBA Aspirants” and as they ask me how to go about things, I really feel whether or not I am the right person to tell them? Since even I was not sure which wave brought me to this island where the struggle for survival and the associated pressure just do not seem to cease? But life outside is even tougher is what they say! So which side of the game will I land up in? Game, yes that is what we all are a part of, and I am keen to know my score at this one! But I am not sure whether I‘ll get to play my moves or not!!

Scientifically we all are looking for an equilibrium state. And I know I’m not the only one fighting. This is a contention against precariousness, against the conflicts within. Sometimes I feel who are we fighting against? May be the most powerful weapon is time…

But currently I don’t think it is on my side….

The dreamer within again rests humming these words---

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your hearts
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

- Gerry & the Pace Makers

Take on B school!

The other day some relative of mine wanted some tips on how to crack CAT and how life has changed in a B school. I told her , honestly even I don’t know what brought me here and what is keeping me here , so ended up giving her some advice which I myself was not sure of still pretended as if that was the best for her to do. A typical consulting scenario. That’s what this place has made me. We have learnt to compromise in some way with the way things turn up for us.

Personally I feel as confused as I was when I came here even today on what to do. There’s something about the place may be, it just forces us all to be what we are not! I realized it in one week, tried to keep myself away from the bug, but for how long is what worries me! When I saw people changing in split seconds, focus and loyalties changing, as if a complete restructure had occurred. Strange it has been!

They say B school is all about the knowledge you gain, not just inside the classroom but more on the outside! I completely agree with it! Think this is one belief that has not been broken yet. Apart from that, the hype, the hollowness of this sphere and the reality inside is little worrying! Do they make good managers?

When people get evaluated on their skills to retain the X line written in the Y course packet of the Z subject,
When choices of subjects is governed by the amount of grade point they can make,
When behaviors change around us at the rate of thousands of emotions per second and you don’t know who to trust,
When you receive the biggest blow on your confidence and still are ready to fight it out,
When sleep stops coming to you and you can’t sleep even though you want to,
When the conflict between your hopes and achievements becomes stronger,
When you compromise your own self to live up to a set of expectations and end up doing something you never thought you could ever do,
That’s when you realize, you are in a B – school…
Don’t know how much of it has occurred to me though! And don’t know the extent to which it will go!
The fight as I said!! Is ON

Just Like That!!

So finally it has sunk in! I have nothing more to loose now. Anyway I go from here on has to be upwards. But to think of it , why did I enter the B school in the first place? Just like that , comes the reply if I put this question to myself. Was I even prepared for it? Was the timing right? Still many more questions need to be answered and I’m trying to figure that out.
The base is not right may be. Why Engineering first? I asked again , Just like that comes the reply. Not that I was some harbinger of a technological breakthrough. So then why? And after 4 years of reassurance that it was not my calling , why the core technical job? Just like that again!!
Strange are the ways of life. I don’t know how choices are made. Marketing tells me , it is based on some marginal valuation of utility. But how to decide the reference point? Economics makes more sense may be especially the law of diminishing returns. After we achieve a target , it looses its value. How much effort I may have put to reach my goal, it looses importance once I get there. Why then do I play this dangerous game again. I keep running after something , knowing it will loose its charm in the end. Still we are all running!

Time and again , which way will I go now? What lies ahead! What am I striving for?
I am running again…

But why?
Just like that ! Comes the reply!!

Circle of Life!

As I stand at this crossroad,
Waiting to choose my direction
I recall I was here, not very long ago,
As if it were some reflection

It’s like the chorus of a song,
The sound of the chime
Life is one full circle
Comes back with time

I chose the path most trodden
Not knowing where it would lead
Nurture hopes of the world around me
Apprehensive whether I would succeed

But didn’t take much time to realize
That it was a misfit
And trust & honesty were,
But meaningless words
I moved on with my set of wounds
Longing for a pair of wings
Jealous of birds

To fly away in the vastness
To go to the land I want
Where nobody questions me
Sans past memories to haunt

But such is the irony of fate
I am brought back to the same gate
The time and context has changed
And so has the emotional state
It all seems same on the outside
“Which way to go now”, echoing inside

Like the chorus of a song, like the sound of the chime
Life is a circle, comes back with time!
Hoping this time I won’t make a mistake
I’ll choose a new path, and call it mine

The summer of 2008…

One week of blood and sweat

Sounds somewhat similar to the famous Summer of 69’ by Bryan Adams—Memorable yes it is indeed
But the inspiration to him wouldn’t have been better than what I have to say! To me the catalyst is an event which is one of the most look forward to as well as one of the most dreaded ones in a place that I am right now in! Didn’t know it will be so full of emotions! Saw the strongest of them break down and the most unexpected stand up to the difficult situations with commendable resilience! It was one experience in itself which I will never forget! As each day passed by I saw so much! So many things I never knew do exist! Sometimes overjoyed at a feat and the very next moment felt terrible at a disappointment! And all of it happening so fast and in cycles that with each day passing by I felt I was a stronger person.
Day zero to 1 – 2 – 3, the energy levels followed a decreasing trend as each day passed by. Saw some people devastated completely, moving from one interview room to another, some still waiting for a chance to be interviewed. All dressed up in business suits with resumes in hand and dreams in their eyes to fulfill. But a lot of these dreams were shattered! There were some surprises and some shocks! But in the end what stood out was the spirit with which the whole batch got together. Each one was standing up for their friends, some volunteering to help the seniors who were there with us throughout! I would not mention the figures, neither the companies here as I know they were the best to be reported to any news channel but none of them would know the hard work that people put in to make that happen. I had only heard of the experiences of a summer placement process at an IIM. Now I can say that one has to experience it to know what it is.
Met many new people, made new friends, and realized that it is better not to keep many expectations because you never know what life has in store for you. So be ready to accept what life offers you and and then give it your best shot. I have learnt a lot of “Globe-ing” here I guess, but that is how I will put it!

Would thank all those who stood by each other and all those who put in efforts for us!! I am already 1/6th of an MBA and there’s so much more to learn here and so much to absorb!!!

One superb show!!

Micheal Scofield- Prison Break!!
A must watch!!

On Trust!!

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.” -- Mother Teresa

Such is life..

You wake up one morning ,with the will to take on the world , thinking that today is a new day and I shall start all over again! With learnings from the past , I move on. And then as the day unfolds I realise that things are not going my way again! Sometimes , I get helpless and don’t know what to say , what to do , when Murphy’s law starts taking its toll on me! Me being the subject! And Murphy mocking at me and playing his tricks!
When the struggle between ideology and reality is won by reality! When I think something , do something and the final interpretation is something completely different. When suddenly it seems that it would be difficult to go on! When my faith in my own capabilities starts shattering, when I seem to be misunderstood everywhere! Whatever we do comes back to us , so then I feel how could I be so wrong somewhere? That all this is happening to me! Must have been a real sinner or a criminal and I curse myself for reasons even not clear to me! They say whatever happens , is for our good! So I try to find the goodness in everything! Probably a consolation that the next day will be a better one. But today is over! Another day of failures to teach me the lessons of life.And as the night paints the sky black , I look up in hope that a new day will come ! When I’ll have more control on life! And that is how it goes on ,
May be one day all this wont matter to me much,
but right now i am waiting for the Midas' touch,
such is life , life is such…

Who is there Beside?

As the darkness shrouds the light
The clock shows the time,its night
The soul wanders in the mist
Looking for a safe place to hide
Suddenly it senses,
Someone is standing beside.

When the whole world seems an illusion
when my picture of self faces discoloration
The spirit feels, feels orphaned without a guide
When diffidence takes its stride
I still wonder ,
Who is standing beside?

Then hope conquers all fears
Then laughter vanquishes all tears
When He rescues my incarcerated spirit
And takes it to a higher limit
When words lose significance and emotions are tacit
When his lambency shatters the blanket of night
And my wings flutter now , they are untied
There is no one ,
nobody is standing beside
Then I hear him call me but cant find him
I can still hear ,
This time the voices are coming from Inside

The thin line

There’s a thin line between …

What I want to be and want not
My freedom and my limitations

Love and fatal attraction
Jealousy and envy

Self respect and self pity
Aplomb and complacency

An everlasting caress and a life long scar
A memory for life and a moment of happiness
A soul mate and a companion..

There’s a thin line between my resilience and my flexibility..

Here I come...

Another crossroad in this journey called life,
Another choice to make , another test to pass..
Another story strung up in my garland of tales,
Do I stand and look back at the path I treaded?
Or I move ahead,
Taking the memories of a lifetime with me,
What do I carry forward from here?
Darkness and scars or the canvass I painted with hope ..
Trailers of the past or dreams for the future?

Whatever happened , was meant to be..and
Whatever was worth , was worth all the while..
A few hearts broken , some lessons learnt
Time is the power player here, it changes so frequently,
And now it has put me to a new direction,
Towards a new horizon,

I don’t know whether I am right or wrong,
I have memories to retrospect ,
Snapshots to cherish and the road ahead to move on…
Here I come!

Ground Zero

Sometimes I wonder that our mind just rambles so much. So many parts are clustered in one little 2kgs of mass which is the topic of study for so many people. But still so much of it is hidden from our selves. Sometimes when I am in the midst of a conversation one part of the mind is concentrating on the current discussion, another part is thinking of an experience I recently had and the plethora of emotions following it . The other part is wandering in the fantasy world which is the doorway to my hidden desires , those which are within me, those I would never like to tell anybody . Those that our only mine. Another part is planning for the future , what after this , where do I go from here? What lies ahead . Another part is analyzing the behavior of those around me, and trying to make sense out of the unspoken words. Looking at the new attire of the person and longing for same , thinking of my favorite food that I ate such a long time ago, planning to buy a new pair of shoes may be…

Sometimes people ask me the cliché question ..”What are you thinking ?” and my answer goes – Nothing –just blank!
I don’t think I am honest when I say that! May be I don’t want to express the thoughts then, may be it’s the sinful part of the mind that is on work at that moment or may be the very personal space I don’t want to keep to myself!

But what it would be like to have a mind without any thoughts , I sometimes call it looking in the zero!What would have been the state when I was born? What is going in the mind of a new born life that has just entered this puzzle called life? Will I ever experience that state , when my mind will be sans thoughts , sans people , sans judgements , sans opinions….sans Substance….

Facts of Life..

I am listing down some facts which I have always found true in the events I have witnessed around me, in my experiences!
These are only applicable to me and that’s how they are here! Any resemblance to anybody is purely co incidental..

1) When it rains then the whole environment tends to get happier! As if the nature wants us all to get happier ..Forget all the pre occupations we have all the stress and just feel the soothing effect on us!! The rain has always elevated my mood however dull I may feel! And one of the best things of coming to Bangalore is the rain here! It just rains for no reason here ! Amazing it is.
2) A majority of people in this world are more concerned about other’s lives than their own! Because probably they enjoy seeing other people also suffer. And in most of the times they can’t stand the fact that somebody is happier than them. Human psyche it is, we feel better to think of someone who is on a lower ground as we are! And a lot of thinkers and wise men also propagate the fact..It amuses me!!! Each one of us has a story of life and everybody is interested in knowing other’s stories rather that making theirs’ a fairy tale..
3) Some times in life you come across your alter ego!! When u see those things happening that you had anticipated to say or do! Its really weird, coz then u feel that somehow your thoughts are being read by someone else!! Suddenly somebody very identical to you in the thought processes will know whats on your mind!

4) If I long for something for a long time then whenever I get that, it tends to loose its charisma! Just the next moment. Like simple things such as a good nights sleep after the exams! I was literally longing to sleep for at least 24hrs after the mid terms!! But I ended up staying awake the whole night.
5) The best philosophy that keeps me happy is not to expect anything from anyone, so in a way whatever you get back is a bonus. I have started following this religiously and it really helps.
6) In the matters of conflict between the heart and the mind, I always want to follow my heart but most of the times end up choosing the latter which I regret later!!
7) I feel love is the most misunderstood and over rated word which we use so often and replace ably for so many other expressions! Don’t know how sense that made!
8) I feel the biggest achievement for me will be to transform a life and touch a few hearts(very few ).My biggest treasure is the trust and faith that people who matter to me have in me , no matter what I do!

Colourful Emotions…

I love colours around me..
Each of them offers a different emotional high to me!..
Black— dunno why they call black to be the devils' colour..it has a very distinctive n stylish elegance to it.. It gives me the spirit to lead! N I feel the most confident when I wear black!! Somehow it infuses that in me!! Mom doesn’t like me wear black.. though..

White:- Wow.sometimes I wish everything around me would turn white. It feels so pure..It seems as if I get to make the rules now. Write whatever I want on the book of life. Actually white represents the gap between the radical mind and the impetuous heart. And I fill it with lots of smiles and not allow tears anywhere.I fill it with honesty , and leave no room for hypocrisy and malice. White infuses a serene kind of satisfaction in me!!Oh how much I admire the sensuality of Simi Garewal for her unending love for whites..

Green:- Few of my friends even branded me a Pakistani for my affinity to the green colour! But green to me, is so lively and optimistic. The freshly washed trees with the rain, the beautiful fields all clad in green give me a lot of hope! To fight and to stand up against all odds. Just like they do! Green to me , represents youth! And the power that the young minds have.

Yellow:- Yellow represents brightness. It represents light. Once I tried looking straight at the sun , and how it stared back at me. I feel the sun is the most powerful thing in this universe.And so yellow reminds to tap the hidden potential.And explore continuously! There is always room for improvement!

Pink:- Pink simply feels innocent. The new born babies are pink in colour. Oh how beautiful the tiny fingers and the even more miniature finger nails look. I am thinking of the time when I first looked at my nephew when he was born. It was the most beautiful emotion I had ever experienced. Remember every bit of it. Pink is simply unblemished and angelic, just like a life that has just come into existence.

Red:- Red is so fiery. I like it though. Somehow it induces a superiority feeling in me! Weird it is though.

Oh I missed the most important one:- Blue- Blue is as magnanimous as the deep blue oceans. It has larger than life image.Subtle but supreme!! That’s what blue is!

There are so many colors now as I have started thinking of them.Some blended to make new ones .Just like relations in life.Some we cherish forever and some teach us so many thing. All of them blended together make up the canvas of life.

The beautiful rain

Its raining today.. raining since evening.
The weather has become colder. And as I look out in the dark , the water making its impact on the ground. The trees staring silently , the birds all crouching in the branches , the darkness taking its toll. Its all silent out today.Nature having a good time and me a mere spectator. As if it has control on everybody today!
Sometimes I feel , so small infront of the big universe around me! The rain , the trees , the night , the sun , the dawn , the sunset ..All have so much power .And me , so powerless.At times I have felt so helpless when I sense some other control on me!When what I want to do is not what I actually end up doing.When emotions take control of the mind.When the conflict between the heart and mind is won by the heart.But I think emotions are more honest than the mind!The mind manipulates..according to some unreasonable norms of right and wrong!!
But it’s the heart which is a true reflection of the persona!!!
I am still thinking while its the raining continues ..
Emotions overcoming the mind!!Pouring from all over within and taking control today!No more artificial thinking ..plain truth !
Its still raining outside…

This too shall pass..

The last few days have been so absorbing.As if I had all the studies to finish in this world.Getting lil sleep, eating not very good food, missing family in between many times!and then so many deadlines to beat!Trying to devise methods to beat the system before it gets its hands on me!!But still am not good enough!Just lingering on!Telling myself everyday , that this too shall pass!!!

The real Winner..

I recently met this family on my way to Bangalore..The lil daughter they had was suffering from some heart disease..she was so frail n thin .Looked completely malnourished..and as a result of the illness her nails and lips had turned blue..On talking to the family , it was evident the pain they were suffering from, and as I looked in the eyes of that child I could make out the uneasiness she felt , now that I knew of her illness…
N me..I almost had tears in my eyes..I couldn’t look straight in her eyes .It seemed she had a lot of questions which I could not answer..
And for the rest of the journey I kept thinking of her , what life has instore for her..
And felt a sudden pain and compassion for her...Had never felt such a thing before.Not even when I saw beggars on the street..I guess.. probably coz they find it an easy way not to fight and just go ahead with the flow…
But that young girl taught me what it is to fight…
Will never forget that experience…

Am I really sure??

These days I am doing a lot of thinking.Trying to find out what I like and what I don’t.This is the first thing we were told to do once we joined IIMB..And this thought process takes me long back in history when I started taking my own decisions..sometime when I was 13yrs old. The teenage syndrome did struck me also..So I am still thinking what makes me happy and what puts me off…
And hoping to reach a conclusion soon because then I have to find my passion….one thing being hyped so much as a part of the B school culture again..(sometimes I am not really sure what brought me here..passion…no coz I still haven’t found one..then destiny???..) One word we use very loosely…Destiny…I recently got some information on the importance of destiny n its relevance..m still deriving my insights from it..Never mind…Before I get into those philosophical moods of thinking insanely on weirdities of life..let me get back to business….

I was asked a very relevant question lately..what is that we are sure of in life?I did have an answer at that time..that well we can be sure of ourselves atleast if not the world..but then on introspection I realised I was wrong..yes..one cant be sure of anything!!Coz this morning when I got up with swollen eyes(again a part of the B school life…sleeplessness) I had abstained myself from doing certain things…and a devil that I am..I did exactly that!!Nw I am not going into the details of what those were, but the truth is even after excercising control on my will I was helpless..

So do I lack determination? Well I would not like to admit that…I leave this thought here only and will try to find an answer to that question again…what are we sure of in life??

I started to write about myself and ended up landing nowhere..well that is the biggest quality I have..Either I am convinced or I am confused!!!...

Knowing myself!!

This is a really scary question ..Because the time one takes to think about the answer tells u that ..u don’t have a chance to get this one..
Funny..And I thot of actually finding the answer..Not that I plan to tread on the path of gaining spiritualism , just trying to find who am I..

1)I love to talk to people and analyse their behaviour..I mean I can actually waste hours thinking about certain conversations which do leave an impact on me.Which has taken a back seat lately but still I do indulge in occasionally.I love to mimick people…No offences intended…its habits that I imitate not the persona!!!But its fun!!

2)Good food is something that I can’t leave for anything, however important the work I am doing , if I come to know that , it is between food and me , I ditch the work and go for food..I think a very basic instinct…but doesn’t say much about me!!

3)I enjoy nature very much..I mean feeling the breeze through me energizes me and I instantly smile and admire the beauty of nature.. I love to smell all sorts of flowers in the garden..(of course with some basic knowledge of which ones to go near to)

4)The whole concept of life n the world coming into existence amuses me!I still don’t understand why? what was the need of human evolution when all that humans did was destroy what they got!!
I am again deviating from the topic..
Getting back..

5)I very easily allow my imagination to fly in a completely different world.This mostly happens if I am not able to relate to the present situation I am witnessing..Especially in lectures..these days..which is playing havoc with my life here….but guess that is natural since I am getting back to academics after a gap of 2yrs.

6) I love to spend time kids.They have all sorts of weird concepts about things around us.An its their innocence that I admire.I like to play their kiddish games like the very famous princes in the palace esp little girls.I happened to overhear a conversation between some girls staying in my colony.All aged between 6-10 years.Man I couldnt resist laughing.Their notions of the world are so funny but sweet.So I never let the little girl die inside me!

Oh I feel so strange..not a single point that I have written makes me feel proud of myself…but that’s how I am..n for once ..i gotta be honest to myself…